the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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