i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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