spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
