her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
