when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
