Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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