I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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