So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
