Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
