sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
