I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
