Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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