I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
