Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
