Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
