he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
