Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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