I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
