I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
