a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
