when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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