A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I believe in your delicious
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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