Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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