Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
