he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i drank out of a bidet.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
