She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
