Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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