All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
