Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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