I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
