I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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