My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
