hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
