Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
