Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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