Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
