so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
