I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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