That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
