My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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