Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
