She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
