We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
