Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
