you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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