omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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