sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
