so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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