I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
