i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The air was thick with penises
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
