girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
