guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
